The Igor files

It's been a while since Igor has done a post. Such a slacker. 

Here are some of his favorites from the past few weeks.

 This kid is equal parts ham and beast.

Her face.

She likes to make sure that I'm watching as she throws her rocks into the water.

Yep, that's my kid dipping her straw into a puddle and licking it.

This kid gets to have so much fun, it's a rough life but it's not like that fun is going to have itself.

Aaand finally, a real date night.

Thanks Igor! What would we do without you?

From the bottom of my heart

I received so many kind emails, fb messages, texts, comments, and phone calls over the weekend. Some of you shared your own stories of loss, some of you offered your sympathies, some of you prayed for me, and some of you just let me know that you were thinking of me. I can't tell you how much it meant to me. Thank you so much.

My October baby

"I should have known that it wasn't going to be that easy" I kept thinking to myself as I waited in exam room #2 for my doctor to deliver what I was sure was going to be some bad news. I was exactly 11 weeks pregnant. Just about an hour earlier my doctor had been unable to find the heartbeat and had sent me over to the ultrasound tech for an immediate ultrasound just to make sure that everything was ok. During the ultrasound the tech wouldn't speak to me, not a good sign. And I was too afraid to ask her to confirm what I could see on the screen for myself: a little tiny bean-shaped baby with no heartbeat. Instead she just wiped my stomach clean and told me to go wait in exam room #2 for my doctor.

As I waited for my doctor I kept thinking about this pregnancy. How it came to be. I was really pretty set on not even trying for another one until Shye was at least two. And then one night in December I got a very strong impression that there was supposed to be another baby here NOW. And so we decided to start trying right away. I fully expected it to be awhile before anything happened since it took me twelve months plus one surgery to get pregnant with Shye. So as you can imagine, I was shocked to find out I was pregnant the first week of February, I remember telling Brian "gosh, that was easy". The nausea and the fatigue were pretty bad at first but then they seemed to taper off after a few weeks and became completely manageable. My pregnancy with Shye was horrible. The nausea, the fatigue, the insane food aversions, the spd, oh I have nightmares about the spd, believe me when I say it was a hard pregnancy. But this pregnancy had been fairly easy. And dang it, I deserved an easy pregnancy after going thru a hard one, right?

The due date was October 18th. A fall baby. I couldn't imagine anything more perfect than a brand new baby to enjoy my favorite season with. Shye would be two and a half in October, they would be close enough in age that they could be friends, but far apart enough that my sanity wouldn't be questioned. :) And I was convinced it was going to be a boy (even though I would actually really, REALLY love another girl) and Brian and I had been discussing names. We had already found a name that we both loved. Which is crazy because with Shye we debated endlessly up until she was born. Everything about this pregnancy just seemed to be falling into place. It was all too easy. 

But the doctor came in. And she confirmed what I feared. There wasn't a heartbeat. And just like that, my easy pregnancy was over.

My miscarriage started on Easter weekend, the holiday normally spent celebrating rebirth and new life. The irony was not lost on me. It continued on through my birthday, Brian breaking his ankle, Shye having the stomach flu, Brian's surgery, and the rest of the sorry month of April. And it was still going on through Mother's day, yet another ironic slap in the face. And it is still going on even now. (I  just went to the doctor, even though it seems that my body is trying to set a world record for the longest miscarriage ever, I am otherwise completely healthy.) It's as if my body just can't get over losing this pregnancy. It's appropriate really, since I can't seem to get over it myself. 

In recent weeks, several friends have announced pregnancies with October due dates, and while I am happy for them, really I am, each announcement just reminds me of my loss.  All those April Fool's Day fake pregnancy announcements were definitely not funny to me this year. And since I can't seem to figure out how to unsubscribe from their mailing list, I get weekly emails from Baby Center updating me about my baby's progress. I know that I shouldn't be so sensitive, but it's hard not to be when you're heart-broken. I've learned in the past few weeks that grief is a very lonely, very selfish thing.

I know some people think that having a miscarriage is just the body getting rid of a mass of cells, most likely a defective mass of cells. (I wish people would stop saying that to me like it's comforting or something, that my baby was defective and I should be grateful that my body got rid of it.) It's just a fact of life, something that is statistically bound to happen sooner or later. But for me it was more than that. I mean, yes, I know I will have other babies. (Another thing I wish people would stop saying.) But I wanted THIS baby. It was and still is completely heart breaking to think that I'm not ever going to get to hold this baby, or kiss his little face, or fall asleep with him on my chest. It was a loss of all the hopes and dreams a mother can have for her child.  

Birthday Girl

She's two. TWO! It's nuts really.

Shye's birthday fell on Mother's Day this year, so my Mother's Day gift to myself was to not throw her a party. I know, I'm evil. Not throwing your kid a party is roughly on par with punching puppies. But let's all remember how Shye was due on Mother's Day in 2011 and she didn't show up, so really it's just payback time. I kid, I kid. It was really a lack of finances (living on disability isn't as fun as it seems), being dog tired, and just pure laziness on my part. I woke up today feeling guilty... about not feeling guilty for not throwing her a pinterest pin-worthy party.

All in all, Shye still had a fun day. She got to swing on the swings, go down the slides (she is OBSESSED with slides lately), jump on the trampoline, and annoy her cousin Kimberly. What more could a two year old want?

Birthday cake time!

Shye's response to our singing Happy Birthday to her was as follows: confusion, amusement, embarrassment, and finally relief once it was over. She probably inherited my hatred for being the center of attention. Better get used to it baby girl, you've got lots more birthdays ahead. :)

Happy Birthday to our sweet Shye-shye! 

Arizona on my mind

More than anything else, Shye and I had a great time hanging out with the family while we were in Tucson. I got to visit some family that I don't usually get to see like my grandmother and my sister Kelly. And my great-nephew Camden must have been super excited to meet me because he decided be born three weeks early while we were down there. Getting to meet him and have a few snuggles was the highlight of our trip. Man, I thought I was baby-hungry before. I seriously considered swiping Camden and taking him home with me.

Shye just adores her auntie Jamie. Her favorite part of the day was when we went to pick Jamie up from school everyday. Seriously, all I had to say was "Let's go get Jamie!" and Shye would be scrambling to put her shoes on and go running for the door.  And then on the weekends Shye would go wake Jamie up so that they could play and would follow her around the house. I just want to point out how unusual this all is since Shye is an extreme momma's girl and doesn't really care about anyone else. At all.
(I keep promising Brian that the next one can be his, I can only sustain this level of affection from one child. )

This picture kills me everytime. Shye's face.

 She loves her.

Even though I really have no desire to ever live in AZ again, in a way it will always be home to me because that's where most of my family is. I really wish I could just box all these people up and have them shipped to Utah so that they can be around all the time. Especially my mom and Jamie. I pray everyday that her house will hurry up and sell so that they can move up here and be closer to us. It would be nice to have a free babysitting privileges that I could abuse.

And this post concludes the Arizona portion of my blog. Just in time for Shye's 2nd birthday (nuts!) and Mother's Day (should I write a poetic post about how being a mom is soooo wonderful/hard?). After that I'll be back to blogging about this boring life of mine. Please try to contain your excitement.

AZ Fun

I've said it before, having a kid is a great excuse to do fun things that you wouldn't normally get to do. Tucson was no exception. While Shye and I were down there visiting we made sure to plan a few little fun things just for Shye. 

The park. 

Thank heavens it was shaded since it was already in the upper 90's while we were there. When I was a kid most play areas were not shaded. And most slides were metal. Hence the reason I do not look back on my childhood in AZ with any fondness. Kids these days are so spoiled.

Reid Park Zoo.

I actually remember visiting this particular zoo a few times when I was a kid. My favorite exhibit was the polar bears. Because really, polar bears in AZ? Unfortunately they just shut down that exhibit, probably out of pity for the poor bears.

 As you can see, Shye didn't really give a hoot about the giraffes. She was more interested in her straw and cup of crushed ice.

 This giant swimming squirrel swam right up to us. Shye flipped out. Naturally I had to get a picture.

 The fishes, or as we call them the Nemos, were a big hit. Yes, Shye is still drinking a bottle. Don't judge. 

 People, I got photobombed by a giraffe. My life is complete.

The Splash Pad

Oh splash pads, how we love thee! All the fun of water without any of the worry of drowning. Which means that momma can sit on her bum and Instagram her heart out while the littles splash to their hearts content. If I were running for president I would promise a splash pad for every city in America.

 I really loved the design of this particular splash pad. It was unique, colorful, and interactive. There was a tree with watering cans that sprinkled water (not pictured), a little black and white checkered stream of water (pictured above), buttons that when pushed would spray water from different parts of the pad (pictured below, the face on the wall squirted water whenever someone pushed the button next to it), and a water pump which ended up being Shye's favorite.

My happy water baby.

The Sunglasses Club

Early in April, while I was still careening towards a complete nervous breakdown, my mom bought me a ticket to go to AZ for two weeks. My original departure date ended up being the day that Brian had surgery on his broken ankle so I had to push it back two days, but I still ended up having 12 great days in AZ. Now that I have a kid, going to my mom's house is pretty much the best vacation possible: someone to cook and clean for me, someone to watch Shye so that I can shower and pee in peace (separately of course), someone to vent to, and basically spoil me rotten. It was just what I needed after a terrible month.

Even though I grew up in AZ it still always shocks me how blazing hot it is there. It had just been snowing here in Utah just a few days before I left so the 95+ degree weather was rather jarring. The only way to survive is to pack lots of antiperspirant, sunglasses, and making daily soda runs.

While we were in AZ, Shye took a liking to sunglasses. Bout time. I've been trying to get that girl to wear sunglasses since she was about three days old. I've tried everything: rewards, punishment (I kid, I kid), peer pressure (her best friend Claire wears sunglasses all the time) but nothing ever stopped her from yanking sunglasses off immediately. But since the Arizona is brighter than the surface of the sun she finally gave in and joined our Sunglasses Club. As you can see in the pictures Shye is obviously the coolest member of the club.

 

And as you can see in the video, I am the least cool member of the club.